Emotional Intelligence Guide

Posted on March 4, 2026 by admin

Last year, I wrote a guide to proper venting. Recently, I got the idea to write a similar guide to emotional intelligence. This is a written version of what I do to manage my emotions in healthy ways. I learned it from the book Letting Go by David Hawkins, although it might be easier to learn it through The Sedona Method Movie. Depending on how I feel and what’s going on around me, I might need to sit down and focus on all of this. Most of the time, it takes just a bit of self-awareness to see the feelings that are coming up and let them run their course. In either case, it has helped me tremendously with navigating emotionally difficult situations, whether it’s something incredibly small or as huge and painful as my dog Sawyer’s death almost four years ago. I hope it benefits you as much as it’s benefitted me. Here is my approach.

I feel (insert emotions here) because (insert upsetting incident here) happened. I wish (insert alternative outcome here) had happened instead so that I could have felt (insert other emotions here). Since that isn’t an option, I will let myself feel all the feelings that come up around this event without resisting them, no matter how long it takes. If I need to take breaks, I will, as long as I resume letting the feelings come up again afterward. Whether this brings relief immediately or takes many years, I will keep this up until all the feelings have run their course, I feel better, and I have mostly if not entirely forgotten about (insert upsetting incident here).

If I still feel the need to vent to somebody after feeling through lots of emotions, I will first get that person’s permission and make sure they’re in a good enough mental/emotional state to receive what I say. I will then make it clear what I’m seeking (advice, a quiet listener, encouragement, etc.) so they don’t have to guess at what I want. I will then boil my concerns down to a brief description (one that lasts a minute or two at most) of what happened and the emotions I feel about it. This way, the other person will know how to best help me, and I will avoid overwhelming them with excessive words and taking much longer than necessary to get to the point.

However, I will not gossip. If I feel upset about a particular situation with A and it’s something that is best addressed for the good of our relationship, I will go straight to A once I’ve felt through enough emotions to feel good enough for an important conversation and we will work through the problem together. Only A and I can work through a problem that exists between us, so going to anyone else won’t fix the issue. I won’t gossip about A to B, C, D, or anyone else since they can’t solve the problem for me, and I won’t burden them with private information that isn’t theirs to know and which violates the trust I have with A. Just as I wouldn’t want anybody to share my private information or talk badly about me behind my back to anyone else, neither will I do that to A or anybody else.

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The Problem with Doing What You Love

Posted on February 25, 2026 by admin

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” This is a fairly popular quote that is meant to show the benefits of turning a passion into a career. While it sounds good on the surface, it is actually full of problems. Here’s my take on this quote and why I dislike it.

The first problem is that you may not be able to make money doing what you love if nobody is willing to pay for it. Despite seemingly everything being monetizable nowadays, there are still some things that won’t bring home the bacon. For those things that can, getting to that point may require you to work one or more odd jobs while pursuing your passion in your spare time until you make enough money from your passion to pay the bills. It’s common for many, especially those hoping to work in the entertainment industry, to have to work multiple odd jobs that they hate before getting their big break. Even if you can make some money by following your passion, it might be only a small amount of extra income instead of being anywhere near enough to sustain you.

While it’d be wonderful to get paid just for having fun, the reality is much more complicated as turning a passion into a career involves much more than just making money by practicing a hobby. Running a business often involves licensing, fees, regulations, getting and keeping customers, handling employees/contractors, etc. While working for somebody else can be less stressful than trying to run a business, there is still stress involved in nearly every job at some point. Since many folks turn to hobbies for stress relief and an escape from the working world, having to make one or more hobbies their livelihood can result in the exact opposite of what they hope to get.

If you turn your passion into a career, you might end up having to do more of what somebody else wants than what you want. For example, running a crafting business might involve crafting things that your customers want instead of whatever you want to craft at any given time. It may also entail long hours, late nights, early mornings, cancelled plans, and far less free time than if you simply worked a regular job and enjoyed your hobby outside of work. Those looking for freedom to do as they like through their favorite activities are likely to feel disappointed at having to tailor everything to suit the wishes of others in business rather than their own.

All of those can make you begin to hate something you once loved. What was once a fun hobby you got to enjoy in your free time has become a tiresome chore you have to do almost all the time. The best example I know of for this is Anthony Gatto, whom I consider to be the best person at juggling who ever lived. His stepdad taught him how to juggle at a young age, and he quickly reached a skill level most never get anywhere near. After decades of traveling, performing, practicing hard every day, and making a living through juggling, he grew sick of it and retired in 2012 to start a concrete resurfacing company. Aside from having to juggle so much, he also disliked the toll that it took on his neck, shoulders, and wrists over time, not to mention the medical interventions he had to undergo to stay in the game as long as he did. He seems glad to have quit and moved onto a different career path to support himself and his family.

I think about all of this whenever I see someone whose family members, friends, and acquaintances all tell them to turn their hobby into a business. This happens even when the person has never expressed an interest in doing so, which is just plain odd to me. What happened to simply being able to enjoy doing something without the pressure of making money at it or turning it into a career? I suspect the internet is partly to blame as it now affords more financial opportunities for more people than ever before. However, that is only part of the trouble. Telling someone to monetize their hobby is more often than not unsolicited advice. Beyond that, I wonder if those who wish they’d been able to make money with their hobby try to make others do just that out of regret for not following their dreams. Whatever the reason, I wish there were less pressure for folks to turn a fun hobby into a lucrative career.

As glad as I am that I’ve been able to make some money through juggling and unicycling, I’m even more glad that those are still mostly just fun hobbies. I don’t want to end up hating them, getting health issues from having to do them too often, or dealing with any other headaches from turning fun into money. I enjoy getting to pursue them at my own leisure now, just as I did in my free time while hanging out with my dog Sawyer during his life. Anyone who truly wishes to make money doing something they love is welcome to try it, and those who are living their dreams in that way have struck gold. For everyone else, it’s enough to separate work and fun. It’s certainly that way for me.

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5 Reasons to Avoid Interrupting

Posted on February 18, 2026 by admin

As I’ve mentioned in many other blog posts, I feel annoyed, frustrated, sad, lonely, and hurt when others interrupt me. Getting interrupted makes me want to interact far less with those who do it, and sometimes not interact at all with those who do it a lot (especially when they do it even after I keep talking through the interruption or after I’ve said not to interrupt me). All of the reasons folks have given for interrupting (fearing they’ll forget what they want to say, growing up in a household where interrupting wasn’t seen as rude, cultural differences, a brain wiring issue, showing interest in what someone’s saying, feeling excited, and so on) don’t take away my pain of being interrupted or show any concern for the effects it has on me. Since this has been on my mind lately, I thought I’d give some reasons to avoid interrupting in the hope that it will result in better listening on everyone’s part and less frustration on my part. Without further ado, here they are.

  1. It lets you craft better responses. I can’t tell you how many times somebody has interrupted me because they thought they knew where I was going only for their guess to be completely wrong. The most notable was when I declined to dance with someone at a swing dance event, started talking about how I’d had a juggling gig the previous night, and the person cut in with an assumption that I felt tired from the gig. What I was going to say, and did say afterward, is that I got to juggle some cool light-up clubs at the gig. That example shows how, contrary to popular belief, you can’t actually know where someone is going in a conversation until they get there. You might sometimes guess right, just as you will sometimes guess wrong, and if you only remember the right guess while ignoring the wrong guesses, you might start thinking that you can predict what they’ll say and respond based on that assumption. In reality, until someone finishes talking, your suspicion of what they’ll say is only just a guess. Instead of interrupting because you assume you know what will come next, keep listening to see if you’re right. You might confirm your suspicions, or you might be surprised if things take a turn that you didn’t see coming. Either way, you’ll now have enough information to properly respond to what they’ve actually said rather than cutting them off due to assuming you know what they’re going to say because you think you can read their mind.

  2. It’s respectful. Regardless of the reasons behind the interruption, interrupting comes across as if you care more about what you want to say than what someone else is already saying. It’s also considered extremely rude in many households, regions, and cultures to interrupt in non-emergency situations. Letting others finish what they’re saying demonstrates respect for them and their speech, and respect is one of the most important elements of any kind of relationship. My dog Sawyer was better at listening than most other humans I’ve met. I wish everyone would take a page from him and copy how he listened to me without interruption (most of the time) whenever I spoke to him.

  3. It teaches you more. You’d be amazed at what folks will say when given the space to do so. Unfortunately, most folks are too busy interrupting and thinking about what they’re going to say next to actually listen to what is being said. You learn far more by listening than by speaking, and since you can’t both listen to understand what someone is saying while simultaneously saying anything intelligible, interrupting prevents you from learning more about who you’re listening to. In many cases, simply listening to what someone is saying will bring answers to several of the questions you have, especially with those who need hardly any prompting on a subject before talking at length about it. This is much easier on both of you than interrupting every time you think of a question that was likely going to be answered in the next minute anyway. So next time you’re around somebody, give them the chance to finish their thoughts. You just might be surprised by what they say.

  4. It lets you practice patience. Patience is important for healthy living, and a great deal of patience is required to stay quietly listening to someone when all you want to do is say what you’re thinking while they’re still speaking. As with everything else, patience gets easier the more you practice it. Interrupting someone reduces patience and makes it harder to stay quiet while someone else is talking the next time you feel the urge to interrupt. If you interrupt out of fear of forgetting what you want to say if you don’t, then you can make notes and practice mnemonics to remember what you want to say when your next turn comes. That will allow everyone to contribute to the conversation and make it easier to patiently wait for your turn, and patience is a skill which will help you out in every area of your life.

  5. It chills out the conversation. So many conversations move at breakneck speed nowadays, with nearly everyone involved appearing to feel anxious. Some reasons for that anxiety include possibly forgetting what they’ll say, wanting to respond right away, fearing that they won’t get to say something before someone else jumps in, and hoping that others don’t think negatively toward them. Avoiding interrupting is one way to slow everything down to a more relaxed pace. This reduces anxiety in everyone, gives you all time to think about what’s been said (and thereby craft better responses, in the spirit of the first entry in this post), makes it easier to get clarification rather than running on negative assumptions, and makes you less likely to forget what you want to say. In a world that seems to be moving ever faster, slowing down, letting others finish their sentences, and taking it easier are all more important than ever.
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Learn From Mr. Bean’s Mistakes

Posted on February 11, 2026 by admin

This clip from the first Mr. Bean movie has been in the back of my head since I first saw it. While it’s meant to be comedic, it strikes me how valuable it can be for teaching an important life lesson. Even if you’ve never ruined an iconic painting through a series of mishaps, you might still have pulled a Mr. Bean one or more times in your life. Let’s examine how to avoid that and what to do instead, shall we?

For his first mistake, he felt a sneeze coming on when he was standing right in front of the painting. Even though he had more than enough time to step away from the painting, he figured all was well and stayed put right in front of the painting after the sneeze appeared to go away. That misplaced confidence allowed a surprise sneeze to mess up the painting. The whole issue could have been avoided if he had walked away until he was certain there’d be no sneeze and then still stayed far enough away to avoid messing up the painting if the surprise sneeze had still appeared.

Next, he wiped the painting off with a cloth only to find that ink on the cloth stained the painting. He seemed to have assumed that the cloth was completely clean and thus safe to use. That assumption escalated a relatively minor problem into a much bigger issue. A quick glance at the cloth would have revealed the ink and prompted him to either use a clean part of the cloth or look for something else to wipe off his sneeze residue, which would have prevented the painting from getting any dirtier than it already was.

Panicking, he then used lacquer thinner to successfully remove the ink. Unfortunately, it also dissolved the woman’s face in the panting, and his frantic wiping of it only further compounded the problem. Since he seemed not to know what the lacquer thinner would do to the painting, he’d have been better off reading the label or asking someone who knew about its effects instead of using it without knowing the risks. Unfortunately, he didn’t ask anyone else for help until the painting had already been ruined. If he had gotten help much earlier on, the painting likely could have been saved, and a huge crisis averted.

One of the most important things Mr. Bean failed to do was slow down as soon as the problem started. Taking more time to assess the situation would have allowed his emotions to settle. He could then have found out what was needed to remove the problem instead of making it worse by rushing into a series of mistakes out of fear, making a fairly small problem massive, and having no idea how to fix it. When under stress, bad ideas sound good, and good ideas rarely occur.

There are many times that I’ve made things far worse by trying to fix a mess without knowing how to do so. There are also many times I’ve had to clean up messes that others have made far worse. On most of those occasions, someone else made things far worse because they wouldn’t hear me out, consider what I was saying, and make even a small change to prevent disaster until disaster had already struck. This is one of the many reasons I wish everyone would actually listen to me and give some thought to what I say instead of interrupting me, immediately dismissing my ideas, responding with their own ideas while ignoring mine, or turning a conversation into a fight. So many disasters at work, family events, social interactions, and elsewhere would have been either minimized or avoided entirely if they’d slowed down, considered what I said, and then done it. My dog Sawyer likely would have gotten more time to live, and might even still be alive today, if my concerns and points about his health had been heeded. Instead, he’s been dead nearly four years and I’ve only fairly recently healed most of the pain around his death.

Following the above recommendations will likely keep you from getting in trouble in the first place. If you do get in trouble anyway, it’s better to get in trouble for causing a small problem than to get in trouble for creating a gigantic mess. Things worked out ok for Mr. Bean in his first movie. Real life isn’t a movie, however, so you might not get so lucky if you let a small problem snowball into a huge disaster.

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Creativity in Healing

Posted on February 4, 2026 by admin

In late 2020, I managed to release enough painful emotions to completely heal a major pain that had started about halfway through that year. This pain was so severe that I believed I’d never be free from it. Somehow, I managed to be free from it before that year ended. I credit that success to all of the creativity I used in my healing journey.

I spent lots of time imagining a lot of things that would never happen as a result of a particular situation and let go of all the anger, disappointment, sadness, fear, and all other feelings about missing out on those things. Most of this occurred in sensory deprivation floats, which made both the imagining and the emotional releases much easier. I’ve since learned that I can do similar imagining while sitting or lying down and get the same effect. While the floats might make it easier and quicker, they are not necessary for this to work. That’s a big relief since I haven’t floated since late 2021 and don’t see myself doing it again anytime soon.

One of my biggest breakthroughs recently was letting go of some of the desire for retaliation, punishment, or revenge. That has given me so much more peace at work, home, social events, driving, and everywhere else in my life. It helped that I did that close to the time that I listened to a video of Gordon Ramsay yelling at people. While the first fifteen minutes of that video made me feel lots of fear, I felt hardly any during the next fifteen and little to none during the rest of it. Even that first session gave me more peace for the rest of that day.

Also around that time, I worked through two intensely negative interactions I’d had with two different people a week apart last month. They created so much negativity within me that I feared I’d be dealing with the fallout for years. In actuality, I had moved past both of them before January ended. Working through all the emotions in those situations added to the lovely peace that I’ve felt lately.

This week, I started watching this compilation of embarrassing moments from Impractical Jokers to release guilt, shame, embarrassment, and awkwardness. That has made me feel way more comfortable around others, especially when I make a mistake or do something goofy. Even though I first used Impractical Jokers like this back in 2021, I didn’t go nearly as deep with it as I have lately. I plan to keep it up as it’s working so well.

My use of media to bring up and release particular emotions goes back many years. Like many other folks, I’ve long used particular videos, songs, and other works to make the tears flow when I’ve needed a good cry. I did that a lot after my dog Sawyer’s death, particularly when I’d cried enough that I often needed some help to cry even more. At some point, I figured that if that approach works so well for sadness, why couldn’t it also work for anger, embarrassment, and all other kinds of emotions? I’m glad that it’s been so helpful whenever I’ve used it.

Dismantling a big emotional wall by removing one brick at a time has always worked better for me than trying to tear the whole thing down in one fell swoop. One of my goals for this year is to make peace my normal state, and that is off to a great start. It’s amazing to think about how much progress I’ve made in the first few months of 2026. Really, it’s been more like the last few weeks of January and the first few days of February. I feel much more peace each day than I have in many years, and I also notice more patience, willingness to forgive others, and a general sense of easygoingness that I haven’t felt in this way in a long time. And this year has only just begun! I look forward to seeing how much more progress I can make over the next ten months.

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Consider This

Posted on January 28, 2026 by admin

John Rawls had an idea called a “veil of ignorance.” As I understand it, you’re meant to imagine that you know nothing about yourself except for the fact that you exist and will live in some kind of society. With that in mind, imagine the kind of society in which you’ll be doing pretty well regardless of what you look like, whatever abilities or disabilities you might have, how old you are, your level of wealth, and so on. That’s about as much as I know about the “veil of ignorance,” although I find a modified version useful for thinking about how I live my life. Let’s explore that together.

My approach whenever I’m unsure of how I want to proceed with something and am present enough to do this is to step back and ask myself what kind of world do I want to live in. Once I think about that, I think about how the world would look if everyone acted as I did. Sometimes, that’s enough to inspire me to act with more compassion, patience, and the like since that’s how I’d like everyone else to act toward me, and I (at least occasionally at this point) try to serve as an example of how I’d like others to act.

I think of this at times whenever I see someone accused of doing something awful. Almost every time, the person’s picture and name are shown alongside the accusation all over various kinds of media. People who’d never heard of that person before come racing in with comments denouncing the person and calling for various awful kinds of punishment. All before there’s been a trial or any solid look at the situation to figure out what actually happened and whether or not the person did what they’re accused of doing. By the time the actual facts come forward, almost everyone has already made up their minds about what happened, and any new information at that point merely serves to reinforce the views they already have about the situation.

You can run through this thought experiment for yourself. Imagine, if you will, that you’re accused of doing something horrible that you know you didn’t do. Your name and picture are shared all over the internet, TV news shows, newspapers, and so along with information about what you’re accused of doing. Sometimes it’s made clear that this is only an accusation and sometimes it’s not. Depending on how those who see all of this respond, it could have huge impacts on whether or not your family, friends, current and future employment/business activities, freedom, and all else goes well or poorly (possibly for the rest of your life). How do you hope everyone would respond?

I started thinking about this over 15 years ago when I read a disturbing magazine article. A woman had been accused of murdering her disabled daughter and was immediately treated as if she were guilty right after her daughter died. Even after she was found innocent in court, many still considered her guilty, such as the person who went up to her in a grocery store and asked her if she was the woman who killed her daughter. Imagine the pain that woman went through with losing her daughter, being accused of murdering her, and then still being treated as if she were guilty even after her name had been cleared. I certainly wouldn’t want to have insult added to injury in that way if I were in a similarly traumatic situation. Would you?

I’m not trying to make any legal points here or give my opinion on how I’d like any laws to be. What I’m doing here is focusing on how people treat others, what happens to those found guilty in the court of public opinion, and how everyone behaves toward each other. For example, some seem to think that it’s ok for others to be widely shunned from nearly all social interactions for something they’ve been accused of doing (whether it’s actually bad or just popular to think of it as bad) even if they’ve been shown in court to be innocent of that accusation. Not many seem to think about what will happen to them if they can’t get jobs, food, housing, etc. I suspect they’re indifferent to that because they haven’t considered the possibility that they might someday be accused of doing something awful and then be shunned from what they need to survive. What if that happened to you or someone you love?

All of this makes me wish humans could be more like dogs. My dog Sawyer was quick to curiosity, forgiveness, and doing his best to find out what was actually going on. In contrast, so many humans, including me, are quick to make assumptions, hold grudges, and jump to conclusions without ever even considering other possibilities. I’m working on being more like Sawyer and giving others grace, which is often easier said than done. Still, if I never work at it, I’ll never improve at it.

With all of this in mind, I’d like to close by asking you a few questions. First, what kind of world do you want to live in, and do your daily actions take you closer to that world or farther away from it? Second, suppose that everyone behaved how you behave. What emotions do you feel right now as you imagine that kind of world? Third, how do you typically respond when you see someone’s name and picture shared all over the internet, TV news shows, newspapers, and so along with information about what they’re accused of doing, and how would you want others to respond if that happened to you? Finally, once you’ve thought about all of this for a while, do you think that this will or won’t change how you respond in those sorts of situations? Depending on how you answered those questions, and if you feel largely negative emotions, then you might want to rethink how you live your life, especially in how you behave toward others.

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Wait Until You’re Ready

Posted on January 21, 2026 by admin

“Don’t wait until you’re ready because you’ll never be ready.” That’s a pretty common saying meant to encourage people to act sooner rather than later and to avoid giving up on their dreams. While there are some parts of life in which it works well, overall, I believe it’s better to wait until you’re ready. Here’s why.

For one thing, rushing into something can make you give up on it because it seems like you’ll never get it. This applies to anything that takes lots of time, practice, patience, and perhaps even some teaching from someone who knows how to do it. Giving it a go without any idea of how to do it can make it seem impossible; even learning later on that there are ways to learn it might still have come too little, too late for those who threw themselves into it and fell flat on their faces. In contrast, going slowly and taking things one step at a time can give you enough small, early victories to provide you with inspiration, hope, confidence, and a path to success with any endeavor.

An easy example of the danger of rushing is trying to lift way more weight than you are capable of lifting. Don’t try to lift 1,000 pounds if you can’t even lift 100 pounds. That’s a great way to fail, get injured, and get set back so much that you might never accomplish your goals in the weight room; you might even end up weaker than when you started. Just like in life, it’s better to start with what you can do and gradually increase once you’re ready for each new level.

I have plenty of experience with both waiting until I was ready for something and also rushing into it long before I was ready. For the first 5 or so years of my juggling journey, I just tried to brute-force everything I wanted to learn instead of coming up with a plan, seeking instruction, or anything of the sort. My approach to learning was throw things in the air until they didn’t hit the ground, and I paid no mind to technique as I hadn’t yet learned that good jugglers are good at throwing, not catching. As a result, lots of bad technique got ingrained into my muscle memory and made everything much harder than it could have been. To this day, I still have issues with many things in juggling because of the poor foundation from rushing into it early on. I wish I had focused more on good juggling technique from the start and often wonder how much better my juggling would be today if that’s the path I had taken.

In contrast, unicycling is a major area in which I’ve taken things step by step (or pedal by pedal, if you will). Along with getting pointers from folks who could already unicycle well, I dedicated most of my first year of unicycling to simply learning how to ride it. Once that became fairly comfortable, I learned how to ride while juggling, free mount, ride backwards a bit, idle, and a few other tricks I’ve picked up. Each one of these skills came when I was ready for them, and I was in no rush to learn them as quickly as possible or have them down by a certain arbitrary date. That allowed me to make steady progress that gradually came quicker and has gotten me to a decent skill level at this point. I’m glad I took that approach with unicycling, and I’m especially glad I didn’t try to ride a giraffe unicycle until I had great control and comfort with a normal unicycle.

As I’ve mentioned in at least one other post, I’ve been gradually changing and winding down certain routines I developed to help me heal after my dog Sawyer’s death. I didn’t make any major changes until I had healed enough that I could feel mostly good rather than extremely upset about making those changes. I also decided to make those changes myself instead of seeking anyone else’s opinion on what to do. Being able to confidently act of my own choosing has always been a sign that I’m ready for whatever I decide to do.

The idea of waiting until you’re ready might be hard for you to accept. All the messages about diving headfirst into everything make it difficult to think about doing otherwise. It took me a long time to realize that that’s how I’ve found success in nearly every area of my life. Whether or not you decide to do this is entirely up to you. If you do wind up accepting, I hope it works as well for you as it has for me, and that you start practicing it when you’re ready.

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3 Signs of Low Self-Esteem

Posted on January 14, 2026 by admin

There are many signs that someone has low self-esteem. The easy ones to notice include speaking quieter than one would like, saying little to nothing even when one has much to say, saying what is expected rather than what one truly thinks, and other similar actions that involve shrinking oneself and taking up less space. However, it’s harder to recognize some other signs as they’re often mistaken for having high self-esteem, confidence, and the like. I’ll share 3 of those signs of low self-esteem in this post so that you can better identify them in those around you (and possibly even in yourself). Here we go.

  1. Constant bragging. They make themselves the subject of nearly every sentence they say and find a way to use everyone else’s stories to talk more about themselves (such as those who, when I talked about my dog Sawyer’s death, changed the subject to talk about loved ones of theirs who died instead of keeping the focus on me and my pain). Plus, they never let their work speak for itself or let others compliment them. Instead, they take advantage of any opportunity to show off and let everyone know just how cool, talented, and successful they are. It’s exhausting to be around those who always want to be the center of attention and seem as if they’ll never change their ways, even when asked directly to stop.

  2. Being highly reactive. If you don’t know someone like this, you have likely at least known of them. These folks initially appear to have confidence when they actually have incredibly thin skin. They can dish all kinds of hostility onto others yet can’t take even a small amount of it in return. They feel slighted at the drop of a hat, take everything personally, and let everyone else know all about those they believe to have done them wrong (and they rarely wait to find out if someone actually did them wrong or if they made a mistake and then blamed somebody else). They always feel the need to respond to everything, no matter how small or insignificant it is, and always want to have the last word. Along with this, they will constantly correct others on their grammar, trivia knowledge, pronunciations, and other matters that could just as easily be left alone. Feeling the need to always respond and say whatever they are thinking is actually rooted in insecurity, not strength, and that inner lack is revealed whenever they are unable to contribute or their contribution is poorly received.

  3. Trying to control others. Part of having low self-esteem alongside an abundance of pride is the vulnerability to what others do, say, and think. That’s why so many prideful people try to control what others say, act, and do. Some go even further with this by putting words into others’ mouths and making cruel remarks that are thinly disguised as jokes to get a rise out of those around them. Many times, they also intentionally push others to their limits and then act like a surprised victim when others understandably get tough with them. This is mostly done to try to make themselves feel better by bringing others down, a sure sign of low self-esteem if ever there was one.
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Guilt Over Healing

Posted on January 7, 2026 by admin

Anyone who’s read my blog in the recent past likely knows that I’ve struggled greatly since my dog Sawyer died almost four years ago. I’m glad to say that the pain is almost gone, and the little bit that remains is nothing compared to what it was at its worst. Despite that, I still often feel guilty about feeling less grief over Sawyer’s death. Let’s explore that together in this post.

I’ve seen and heard so many messages about how grief is the price of love or a sign you still care about lost loved ones. I disagree with both of those and see them as intellectualizations that make the pain persist by keeping one focused on overthinking everything instead of releasing the painful emotions. Still, I find myself wishing that I thought about Sawyer (and dreamed about him) as much as I did when the pain of his death was so overwhelming that I often didn’t know if I’d survive it. That seems to be part of the sentiment behind this beautiful song, along with concern that getting over a lost loved one would also mean getting over the love that was shared.

There is also some fear that I’ll forget about Sawyer or start to forget important details about him if I keep getting over his death. C. S. Lewis expressed similar concern after his wife’s death in A Grief Observed. He mentioned his concern over the possibility of remembering an inaccurate version of his wife rather than who she actually was since she was no longer around to instantly set the record straight. I wonder if that’s why I’ve developed certain routines after Sawyer died, which includes looking at some pictures and videos of him every day. Either way, I’m glad that those routines have kept him on my mind, made me recall so many of our wonderful times together, and reminded me how he looked and sounded and acted.

No matter where they appear in my life, guilt and shame remain some of the most difficult emotions for me to release. I suspect that part of the trouble I have releasing them in this situation comes from how little I did to stand up for Sawyer and possibly get him more time toward the end of his life. Since his death, I’ve seen several stories of dogs who seemed to be near the end of their lives and then made miraculous recoveries; in some cases, they got several more years with their families. I’ll never know if that would have happened with Sawyer. I still wish I had advocated much more strongly for him. If that had gotten us any additional time together, even just a few more days, it would have been worth it. Even more worth it if it meant he’d still be with me today.

I still desperately wish Sawyer were alive on Earth, and I don’t know if that will ever change. I feel no guilt about missing him, even with all the folks who’ve told me over the past few years to not feel bad and do something to distract me from my emotions. However, I know that it will take a lot more work to release the guilt and shame I feel around feeling less pain over Sawyer’s death. The same goes for the guilt and shame I feel over some things I did with him and many things I didn’t do with him, especially doing little to stand up for him toward the end of his life. Sometimes just remembering how badly I failed him is enough to push me through fear, discomfort, and other limitations so that I can do something rather than do nothing and regret it later. Since this all still weighs heavily on me and since one of my goals for 2026 is to make peace my normal state, I plan to continue working through this pain this year until it’s gone and I can finally have peace around healing from the loss of my best friend ever.

Posted in Great Books, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on Guilt Over Healing

2025 Year End Review

Posted on December 31, 2025 by admin

At the end of each year, I like to look back on it and consider how it all went. Each year always gives me plenty to reflect upon, and 2025 gave me even more than usual. Let’s take a look at how 2025 went for me.

In a way, 2025 was the year of goodbyes for me. I said goodbye to so much: routines, places, activities, and even some humans and animals. One of the biggest changes was getting and keeping a steady day job. Among other things, that helped me out a lot financially and made many of the highlights in this post possible. However, it also took away a great deal of my free time, forced me to change a lot of habits and routines, and put me around a lot of difficult humans, including one of the biggest bullies I’ve ever encountered. As such, one of the best things to happen to me this year also brought about massive changes and losses.

One major change that I never imagined happening was that I stopped going out swing dancing regularly. This was mostly from having to psych myself up so much before going out, feeling uncomfortable on many nights out, and disliking how predictable and shallow the interactions had become (in addition to some needless drama and hostilities that seemed to become par for the course at some dance events). Although having to wake up early the next day for work made it difficult, I stopped going out regularly over a month before I got that job. While I’ve gone out a few times to other dances since then, 2025 has been my lightest year for dancing since I started going regularly back in 2017.

I had a blast on all of the Disney trips I took to Disney’s Hollywood Studios, the Magic Kingdom, and Animal Kingdom. They were all fun despite some difficulties (especially on my second day at the Magic Kingdom) and the fact that many attractions I love at Disney World closed down shortly after my trips. In fact, the main reason I took those trips was to say goodbye to MuppetVision 3D, PizzeRizzo, Muppets Courtyard, Tom Sawyer Island, the Liberty Belle riverboat, the Rivers of America, the Boneyard, the Dinosaur ride, and the rest of Dinoland U.S.A. Almost all of those attractions are already gone, and Dinoland U.S.A. will be gone soon. So many things from those parks that gave me wonderful memories as a kid are or will soon be nothing but memories.

I also said goodbye to MOSH at the location where it was for longer than I’ve been alive. Nothing about the outside has changed in the times I’ve driven by it since my last visit there. I don’t know how the inside looks at this point. I don’t think I want to know. It’s been heartbreaking to see the various difficult changes at Disney World parks this year. I don’t want to add even more heartbreak by seeing difficult changes at an equally special place.

The saddest part of this year for me was saying goodbye to my grandparents’ house. This was the first year since 2020 that we didn’t have a family gathering there around Christmas. Even after my grandmother’s death in late 2024, I still visited with some family members there as we sorted through everything, kept some mementos from my grandparents while donating or throwing away other belongings, and finished preparing their house for sale. Since their house was sold in late January and I got to spend a few nights there both to help with last preparations and also to make and enjoy some final memories, 2025 is probably the last year that I’ll get to visit family, spend the night, walk around the yard, and make more wonderful memories at that lovely house. Sometimes it still physically hurts to think that I’ll likely never get to do any of that again for the rest of my life. I did drive by their house a few days before New Year’s Eve just so I could see it once more before 2025 ended. That brought me some comfort. I’ll likely do that again a few times next year.

This was the first full year, first full calendar year, first birthday, and second Thanksgiving and Christmas without my maternal grandmother. It’s also been over three and a half years as well as four birthdays, Thanksgivings, and Christmases without my dog Sawyer. Those losses plus some extra busyness from work made it take longer than usual for me to get into the Christmas spirit. If I remember right, 2017 was when I started feeling sad around Christmastime, and each year has featured that. This year, it started on December 6th, mostly from missing the way so much used to be. I wish my loved ones were all still here and that I had more time away from work the week of Christmas. I was glad when the work we had scheduled on Christmas Eve got cancelled, which gave us an extra day off and let me spend Christmas Eve exploring a lovely lantern display at the zoo. That helped me get into the Christmas spirit and get out of the work mindset before the big day.

I’ve had hardly any contact with someone who used to be a close friend and no contact at all in over a year from someone who was like a mom to me. I don’t know why either of them did that, or why they hadn’t responded to my attempts at reaching out. One of them did eventually respond. As nice as that was, I don’t know if our friendship will ever be what it was before the long radio silence.

I miss the abundance of free time I used to have. Even after about nine months at my day job, I still don’t have a good balance between time and money. There’s so much I want to do, both in my usual routines and elsewhere, and work gives me hardly any time to do it. At least it’s also given me much more money than I’ve had in many years. I hope that investing will someday give me tons more free time so I can do as I like along with plenty of money with which to live comfortably. I’m glad that I’ve taken steps toward that by investing much more this year than I have in previous years, mostly into the Roth IRA I started earlier this year. For now, I’m enjoying the time I have off for Christmas and New Year’s and am dreading going back to work in early January.

On top of all of that, I still dealt with car and health issues this year. I don’t know what I’d have done if I didn’t have the money from my job to get my car back in good shape after some close calls and a few disgusting incidents. My health has been easier and far less costly in comparison. However, some tooth and gum issues that have flared up in the last week of this year have gotten me feeling concerned. I scheduled a dentist appointment for late January. I hope that can sort out the issue, and that I can get in earlier if someone cancels. Still, I fear what might be going on and what might be needed to fix it.

Fortunately, there were plenty of enjoyable parts of 2025. One highlight was when I learned how to ride the giraffe unicycle that someone from my local juggling club gave me. The seat post it came with was too short for me, which made riding incredibly difficult. After buying a longer seat post, it became much easier and made riding much more comfortable. It then took almost no practice to get the hang of it due to all the years of unicycling I’ve done.

While I did hardly any professional performing this year, the few gigs I had went splendidly. The Mardi Gras gig was fun and fairly easy, despite lots of sun. Dickens on Centre was the best one I’ve performed at so far. Nearly everything went well, everyone involved seemed to have a great time, and I loved seeing so many familiar faces in and around the event. The same goes for Crescendo Amelia’s How the Big Band Stole Christmas shows. I didn’t drop at all when I juggled onstage and had fun dancing in another number. With both of the winter gigs, it was wonderful seeing lots of familiar faces, many of whom I’ve seen every year I’ve done those events. I hope to see them all again next year.

One of the most interesting and unexpected observations came when I rewatched After Life in the last few days of this year. During the heavier emotional moments of the show, I noticed that the pain I felt through most of the viewings I had after Sawyer’s death was almost completely gone. Letting go so much over the last five years has paid off tremendously. With After Life, it allowed me to enjoy more of the funny parts while still having compassion for the characters and sometimes tearing up at the extra sad stuff without crying nearly as hard or as much as I did before.

Overall, 2025 was an extremely mixed year for me. I’m glad to say that it wrapped up quite well, and I’m glad it wasn’t as awful as several other years of my life have been, including most of the years in this decade so far. That said, I wish it had been much better, and I’d go so far as to say it was a bad year that had some nice moments and a good ending. I hope that the progress I made this year will carry over into next year and help make 2026 a much better, kinder, and gentler year for me.

Posted in Adventures, Communication, Getting Along with Each Other, Inspirational People, Life Hacks, Personal Freedom, Self-Improvement, Swing Dancing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on 2025 Year End Review